Several months ago my life changed, quite dramatically compared to what it had been in the last few years, but it had changed very much for the better. I suppose this can now be called Phase Two as I settle into a working life once more, albeit with a great deal more passion for what I am doing, a slower pace and a future that looks reasonably good. The best part is, I am in control of most of it.

SO much has happened since last writing here but I have been have a Wow of a time travelling to Canada and Taiwan, meeting people who were simply e-mails before and finding them to be as warm and wonderful as they had sounded and taking heaps of photos. A surprising development occured while in Canada when I found I wasn't taking nearly as many photos as I thought I would. I felt more compelled to look and listen, afraid that if the camera went up to my face I would miss something important, so I came home with some nice photos but no where near enough. Oh well, guess a return journey is needed.

You can check out the photos on this web site by clicking on the Photographic button.

It is good to be home and now I need to settle down again and just write. There is so much to catch up on and to write the number of articles I have planned from the trip. 

Cheers

Richard.   

TO DREAM OR NOT TO DREAM? THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION.

 

 

Less than thirteen months ago a particular Vietnam Vet was battling for his life, literally. Severe depression, major anxiety attacks, confusion, anger, night terrors, hyper-vigilance, you name it, he suffered it. His biological family had left him to wallow in self pity, writing him off as a 'has been' and a fake, never believing , or even trying to understand the inner turmoil he suffered on a daily basis. He was just a silly old fool looking to milk the government for all he could get and to hell with everything else.

"Why can't you just take any job that comes along Dad? You are letting everyone down." his daughter would throw at him.

"You're just lazy and so full of your own self importance that you are only looking for a job with a fancy title. You know you are destroying your family don't you?"

As a matter of fact he did but he also had real trouble understanding what was real and what wasn't. He didn't remember many important things from the past five to six years; he couldn't remember people's names or what he had for dinner last night and he couldn't convince his own daughter that he really did have some serious issues. Not the least of which was the possibility of loosing his wife and other two children. He could see no reason to keep going. The future didn't exist, it couldn't, and nothing existed except the four walls of the house where he hid from everything and everyone.

Even the doctors had told him there really wasn't any future because his health wouldn't allow him to have one. "Find a good book." one doctor said; "Have you contemplated suicide? Should we commit you to a psych ward at Greenslopes?" asked another; "Just get your affairs in order soon will you?" said the psychiatrist! I guess this was the beginning of the end. Sad really as he wanted to do some things before it ended completely, there were places he wanted to see, places he wanted to share with his wife but it was at the stage were he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror as he hated himself so much for what he was putting everyone through.

That was me up until roughly six months ago. Up until then my only dreams were nightmares, the reliving of a war, constantly fighting for my life yet never getting hurt. These were my dreams; my night terrors and they were destroying me. When anyone ever talked about people chasing their dreams I used to laugh, mainly to myself and say; "Would someone care to chase my dreams for me?" In the last three years in particular, the desire to achieve was there, I know that, but I kept shooting myself in the foot, you know, hit the old self-destruct button and I believe I was doing it deliberately.

You know, there comes a time when even the most insane or unstable person realises that enough is enough. All the doctors and specialists in the world were not going to fix my problems and I was not being facetious either. I remember something Goldie said to me in an e-mail when we were talking about Buddhism. She said that the true Buddhist believes that "God" was who we were inside ourselves. I had asked her to provide me with the two questions she would ask if she had the opportunity and she basically replied that to ask the "supreme being" in her life she would have to look inside herself. That made more sense to me than all the advice I had been given over the years so, I developed my own questions and asked myself what the answers were.

Since joining the Sassyscribe group I have been trying to establish my genre of writing and have said on several occasions that I didn't know what it was going to be. I was not comfortable with fiction which I believed related to my desire to stick to facts, and poetry  . . .not really my scene so left that to Karen. Short stories were sort of okay as long as I was relating a past experience that really happened and the jazzy little Espresso, 25 words or less were alright for a while but I still did not feel comfortable. The decision to attend the Powell River Writers Festival in Canada caused me to look at travel writing as I had read an article about it and it looked to be right up my alley. Attending the Brisbane Writers Festival and listening to all the travel writers there was also a significant factor in my decision so I started to look even further into what it entailed.

  <>
        Okay, so what do I have to offer travel writing per se? I love travelling, that's a good start!         Editors like photos with their stories and anyone that can provide both will be published                 before just an article. Okay again, I am a reasonable photographer and I have had photo                 essays and articles printed before as a hobby. Hmmm, wouldn't it be fantastic to publish a             photo book on, say, Taiwan. I love that country and there is very little published about it.                 Lonely Planet are the only travel guide that mentions Taiwan but only to say it is off the east         coast of mainland China. It's a political thing. Taiwan also has some spectacular scenery,             bird and butterfly species, beautiful mountains, huge marble gorges and very unusual rock             formations, all worth showing the international travel community.  <>

        <>The last two months have simply been amazing; I have been so humbled by the events that I             haven't been able to talk about them. But I want to share my experiences and dramatic                     changes in my life in the hope that others can benefit . . .how? I don't really know, I don't             even know who I am writing this to. All I know is that there is always hope, faith and the                 power of positive thinking and it is not something you can buy or have given to you by                     someone else. They can only trigger some response deep inside of your mind that says,                     "Hang on a minute . . .!"  <>

        In the last two months I have:

·         Convinced the government to pay for a Diploma of Journalism and Photography course for me;

·         Completed almost half of it as at 1 February;

·         Gained authorisation from the Queensland Sunshine Coast tourism board to re-open discussions with their counterparts in Vancouver and the Upper and Lower Sunshine Coast Tourism people;

·         Had the Travel Editor from the Major Queensland newspaper suggest what articles to write while in Canada for his travel magazine;

·         Started negotiations with the same paper for a weekly column on a young and upcoming Queensland musician;

·         Re-contacted an old acquaintance from Taiwan and am now contracted to their travel business to write their travel brochure text (major one just completed); design and plan their PR program; design and plan specialist tours to Taiwan for 2005 and accompany the same; been invited to attend a familiarization trip to Taiwan in late March, early April complements of the Taiwanese Travel Bureau and depending on timing, extending that trip to Vancouver with China Airlines to write an article for their in-flight magazine;

·         Through this same company I will be allowed to extend my trips to Taiwan to take photographs and write other stories on a freelance basis. This will be extended to Mainland China later in the year;

·         Applied for and have been accepted for a photojournalism internship with Boots 'N All Travel a web site for the independent traveller operating out of Portland, Oregon. (See www.bootsnall.com ) They are providing me with a senior journalist as a supervisor, have planned out a semesters work for me including travel stories, short articles, travel guides etc. They will publish all of these in their magazine. If considered good enough they will continue accepting stories from me after the end of the semester.

A little more than two months ago I was still telling people about my inability to concentrate, my fear of stepping outside the house, my lack of drive and the less than exciting future. At that time anyone of those achievements would have caused me to run a mile; it would have terrified me but now . . .well, I think I have gained an understanding about a critical factor when recovering from PTSD. Thinking! About as profound as the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy's 49 being the meaning of life. But that is what it takes, thinking, using the old grey matter, challenging it daily to achieve something, and dreaming; not nightmares or death and destruction type dreams but dreams you develop for yourself; dreams you can chase to the ends of the earth and dreams that are achievable for you!

 

I can now class myself a photojournalist and I am going to forge a place in society as a reasonable one. I now have a purpose in my life and I can now look at myself in the mirror every morning. I am laughing and smiling more than I have in years, I have my life and my wife back; I hope the family will follow. I now think for myself, I question what is right for me and I have overcome the feeling of selfishness that comes with this, knowing that if I am happy and content with what I am doing, achieving and providing, then so is my family. I have literally cut out the middleman from my life and am taking total responsibility for my life at the expense of no one.

         <>Now all I need to do is work on this body of mine. Have you seen the size of it lately???                 Bloody awful it is!!!

 

Richard

4 February 2005

            

 

This journal has had over 900 visitors in three months. Nine hundred plus people have amde the effort to look at these entries and not one comment. Interesting, but it doesn't concern me as this journal is really  designed for me to vent, to release some of the internal pressures I have inflicted upon myself and now, I am please to say, to blow my own trumpet.

Travel writing and photojournalism has become my focus. After all this time talking about writing, I really didn't have any idea as to what genre I would choose, however, the idea of combining my love of travelling, writing and photography was just too strong and has emerged the winner. To make it even better, the Department of Veteran's Affairs is paying for my Diploma Journalism & Media majoring in Freelance travel writing and photography. I have been ready to start since well before Xmas but the first units of the course have yet to arrive.

Yesterday I applied to a terrific travel site on the web called Boots 'N All Travel, a site that caters to the individual and independent traveller with all the information a traveller would need. A great deal of this information comes from travel writers and several interns that Boots 'N All recruit each year. My application was for an internship as a writer and I duly sent in my application by e-mail as they close on 16 January. Boots 'N All is located in the States and so I considered the likelihood of them being inundated with applications, then they have to sift through them and sort out those they were interested in and so on. If I was going to get a reply it was expected around 20 January if then.

Boots 'N All was the last thing on my mind when I logged onto the computer this morning and when I saw a reply from them I assumed it would be the "Thanks for your application and please accept this as your official receipt. We will be in touch soon."  I opened it to find that they had already read my application and that they wanted me on board!!! So within sixteen hours, which is about the time difference between us, I had become an intern travel writer for one of the largest travel information sites on the web. Over twelve hours later I am still blown away with the significance of this, the opportunities it will now present and the confidence it has given me. I don't know how I will thank them, in fact I don't know how TO thank them, so I will strive to produce the best work possible as my way of repaying them.

Can't wait to get started.

              

This has been the best Christmas and New Year I have had since the last one I spent with Mum. Xmas 1996 was the last time my family were together in the one place and my mother's last Xmas; not that we knew at the time. Karen, Robert and Angela met her for the first and last time in person so we must have known something.

Apart from being with Karen and the kids my highlight this Xmas was the phone call to Tony Simmons in Houston; always a pleasure to talk to him as he never expects it; a call to a new found friend in Calgary, Canada, Fred Kobested, a semi retired photographer and journalist who is overwhelmed by the task of cataloging over 100,000 photos of wild life and rodeos and; a call to a wonderful lady in France who shares our love of Tibetan Spaniels and constantly talks to us on the net. These calls just personalised our friendship just that little bit more and shows them that distance between friends does not have to be a barrier to communication.

It has been a good time to reflect on what has been achieved in 2004, identify what was important and what can be left behind for the scavengers of the unnecessary, gatherers of the negative and the pesermistic antagonists who do not believe in risk taking. They are welcome to it; I no longer want old baggage to carry around for others to throw back at me.

If there is one major achievement in 2004 it it would be my losing a great deal of that worthless baggage that I have toted around for forty years. It is not all gone mind you, but a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

How did it happen? Toowong Private Hopsital's Combat PTSD program that I started in January 2004 was the start. Six weeks bearing our soul and facing so many boogey men did, during that first six weeks, start me thinking outside the square and to leave most of my self pity behind. I learnt some good coping skills particularly for the anger, and also for the mood changes, but I also learnt that a more indepth understanding of PTSD and my own self help provided the greatest assistance. I also realised that by using my brain intelegently, providing myself with both mental stimulation and challenges, my memory improved, concentration was much better, my problem solving skills came back and I began to be more positive about myself. To my mind, these advances were gargantuan, but, they did not worry or deter me whereas two months before any one of those improvements would have sent me into an anxiety attack.

The second phase was the hard learnt ability to discuss my issues with Karen without the aggression, anger and frustrations. Karen's determination to understand PTSD and its affects on not only myeslf but on her and the kids went a long way to allowing me to get to that point. If any one of my previous wives or partners had ever tried to understand maybe all of this would not be an issue. It is no wonder Karen expresses her gratitude to my ex's for their failure to become as involved in me as herself. Sounds quite funny but it has a much deeper meaning to me.

MOre to follow.

 

Ahhhh, the week before Xmas and here I am smiling and looking forward to Xmas day with my wife and children, in-laws and a new addition this year, Jessica, Robert's girlfriend of six months. Jess will be down from Caboulture around lunch time and Robert is going to her place on Boxing Day.

Robert has had to learn this year, that when you have a girlfriend you also have to divide your time between families on special days. And thinking about that,I feel for all the broken and extended families out here who cannot, or do not, see other family members on Xmas day due to legal issues, personal feelings and animosities, and just plain stubborness. Everyone gets hurt in these dramas but they have to be on the increase given the steady rise in seperation and divorce in Australia today.

Personally I will miss sharing the day with my six (that I know of) grandchildren who I have never had the chance to get to know but only because their parents have issues with me that they cannot, or will not resolve. While I hope and pray that one daythings may change, I am not holding my breath. I wonder if anyone else is concerned about the lack of family commitment there is today, or is it just the accepted societal norm now? I really wonder about that and find myself saying that Katie and Sean (daughter and son-in-law) made their own choices in not wanting to see me again, or to believe I was suffering from PTSD. That then is their problem. If they choose that attitude after I have tried to explain the effects of PTSD, then I can do nothing more and I refuse to  depress myself further worrying about them. I wish them well.

The same goes for the others. They choose to live their lives a particular way and as long as they are happy, then I am happy for them but I am sorry for not being able to share and show my love for my grandchildren. Merry Xmas, Janna, Jordan, Benjamin, Tarma, Breanna & Alisha for 2005. Love you all heaps.

This time of the year has always gotten me down, more than likely because of the associated sad thoughts about missing family, but also due to a shortfall in finances. Living off a pension has required a substantial re-think and a less than normal giving Xmas. Actually, financial concerns have played a major part in my anxiety and depression over the years and has been the prime focus in some heated discussion within the house. This year has been different due to our voluntary bankrupcy in June. It has taken a huge weight off our shoulders and we are now able to cope with our everyday expenses without the hassle of "where is that coming from?" I was surprised at the ease in which we became bankrupt and how nice everyone was when it happened. It appears that the social stigma of bankrupcy (for genuine reasons) is no longer a negative but an accepted part of todays social issues.

Tomorrow is my father's 93rd birthday and Karen and I will makes scones and have afternoon tea using my mother's best tea set to commemorate. We started this a few years ago and we intend to continue it for as long as we can. Happy 93rd Dad.

I sincerely wish everyone a very Merry Christmas now matter who, what or where you are. I know everyone among my family friends will spend their day enjoying one anothers company and festive spirit, or simply enjoying having all the family together. While Karen and I will have family around us, we are devoting this Xmas to Jaqualine, our fostered child in Kenya and Wallis, our adopted Orangutan in Kalamantan. Next year I would like to be in a third world country to spend Xmas day with a family thatcannot, or has not been dragged into a commercialised Xmas like we have. I want to experience the raw, sincere and un-commercialised spirit of Xmas through their eyes for a change. Don't ask me why, I just feel I must do it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND SAFE NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU.

                             

 

 

 

Again it has been a while since I wrote something here and I did say I would talk about loss this time however, that will have to wait.

Yesterday, (9Dec) iattended my last session at the PTSD Centre at Toowong Hospital. This was the final follow-up for a Combat PTSD program 7 of us started in January. I want to try and write down some of the things I was trying to say at yesterday's session, as  I am not sure the true meaning got across to the facilitators.

The session entailed revisiting our six month follow-up where we all looked at the gains we have made, problems we have encountered, on-going concerns and our goals for the immediate future. Fairly typical and text book self analysis, problem recognition and goal setting. Three out of the six yesterday have achieved, or made significant gains towards the goals  we set ourselves three months ago.

A1 has lost 23 Kgs in weight, has basically given up alcohol and is exercising on a very regular basis but is concerned that he is now hyper active particulalry in the exercise area. G has also lost some weight but is now training and teaching Tae Kwon Do up to five days a week and this has boosted his confidence considerably. He is only 33 and has plenty of life in him yet. Me, being the third, identified my gains as this web site, the course I am about to start in Freelance Photojournalism and my optimism about this part of my future. I also included how good my marriage is too despite the major ups and downs over the past few years.

It's all good stuff and it's also sad that the other three are basically still were they were some months ago with one noticably worse. L1 suffered a break in on his property a couple of months ago and although it was not confrontational or violent, it was a sufficient violation of his space and property and has bought back his anger and hyper vigilance and mistrust etc. He basically has to start again.

While there are some good results here, I was anxious to explain that little has changed with me as many of my exisiting problems remain. What has changed is my inherent desire to do something useful for myself. And yes, it has started but, I am as frightened as all hell! I am concerned that my new lease on  motivation comes from selfishness, or greed, or self gratification. Yes I have set some goals but my fear of failure is still there. The mere fact that I have taken a couple of steps in the right direction doesn't mean my self confidence or self esteem is back at a normal level. These have yet to be tested so there is no way the staff at TPH can say the course has been succesful were I am concerned. I would hasten to add that I also think the same for A1 & G.

What I have done is pushed myself to the limit in the past three years trying to find out what I wanted to do. I remember saying in a tutorial when I started my degree way back in 1982, that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. In article I read some days ago, written by a 65 y.o author, she said the same thing, she started to write only five years ago because she didn't know what she wanted to be when she grew up.

The course didn't do this for me, I did this for me. Before the course, during the course and after the course, I maintained the belief that the only person who could help me is ME. Is it any wonder that I have trouble with my mind most days? Do you now understand where the ghosts and voices have come from over the years? What I have come to understand is that I and I alone, am the one that does battle with me. I don't get angry with the kids, I don't give the finger to some idot drivers on the road; I don't hate authority and bureacracy; I don't hate my ex wives or my other kids who have walked away from me; I don't get angry with family members who where not there when I needed them; but I do behave that way constantly.

What I hate most of all is the doctrines of others, the less than effective school teachers, the power hungry instructors, supervisors and managers for the different careers I have attempted, the society norms developed out of vocal minorities, a government that sincerely believes a 51percent to 49 percent result in a preferential voting system is a "clear mandate", and the obvious and continuing argument about the equality and/or superiority or one sex or the other.

What gets me anxious, depressed and angry every time though, is my reaction to all these situations. Many times during and after arguements I know I am more angry with myself and at times, very disappointed at how I reacted. My low self esteem and confidence in my own abilities comes from the way I react and have reacted over the years. This is the area I need to work on, not the perceptions of others because they will never know me for who I really am. How could they, I am only just starting to learn.

Happy days ahead . . . . . . . .???

 

My thoughts on loss will have to wait, as I don't want this moment to pass without making some comment, but it has been such a long time I'm not sure what to say. Bite the bullet says one voice; another says, be careful, but it feels soooo good!

Okay, I'm feeling quite happy, there it's out. Where most weeks are either the pits or just forgetable, this week has been quite the reverse. We have managed to get over Angela's last day at school although Karen is probably having more trouble than anyone, and positive steps have been taken towards making my future a lot more rosy.

To be accepted as a travel writer for the media it is necessary to have some form of appropriate qualification, you know, that piece of paper that supposedly says the holder is better at XYZ than someone without the piece of paper. Well, through a service available to me through Department of Veteran's Affairs, they will be paying for me to get  a Diploma of Journalism and Media (Freelance Travel Writing and Photography. This is like a Gold Card for a writer as it will provide me with extra priviledges as a journalist, opening many more doors where the general public cannot. Basically it will provide my bona fides when I am seeking information or access to poeple and stories. I will be starting as soon as the material arrives.

While the course is great from a professional point of view, it is even better for my mental well being. I lost so much self confidence and self esteem in my work, probably as long as ten years ago. It was one of the main reasons for my unstable work life. I have also tried on several occassions to re-enter the work force in the last few years but would only last a very short time. Nothing seemed to work for me; everything was difficult, my retention was very limited as was my attention span and concentration.  I didn't like working for anybody and couldn't work to a schedule.

Writing at first was difficult and I really didn't believe I would succeed. Sure people said some of the poetry I wrote was good, but it wasn't that good. I thought about writing a story but knew I would have trouble getting all of the characters and scenes and story lines together. Fiction is not for me. Then, while I was gathering as much information on writing that I could and after joining several groups and subscribing to countless newsletters, travel writing kept creeping into my thoughts. I love to travel; I love relating my travels to others so why not write about it.

Further research, looking at the different assignments travel writers had and speaking to several authors, identified a niche market for travel writers that could supply their own photographs. Editors will accept the story and photos as a single package quicker than from seperate sources. So, by adding my love of photography to my writing ability I was happy becoming a freelance photojournalist specialising in travel. Why? Why was this making me happy? I would be my own boss. I can operate without time restrictions or pressures. I can please myself where I go and what I write about. Basically, I had control of ME, for the first time in years. Yep, that makes me happy.

The second reason is a new camera. As the old one of twenty three years broke recently I needed one now to get on with what I wanted to do. Looked in Saturdays paper for a second hand one to keep me going until my money comes through and found a brand new, unwanted, Nikon F65D SLR still in the box. Bought it without hesitation as it is more than suitable for the moment. Picked it up today and will start using it tomorrow. Almost didn't though as Karen and the kids are buying it for my birthday next week and they didn't want to give it to me yet. I am relieved that Karen relented. Thank you sweetheart, that means a lot to me.

So I am off and walking, looking at what I hope to be a happier future where I am doing something meaningful again. This is the main reason for my current uphoria, I am working at some thing that has purpose and meaning, that is what I have been missing.

Cheers for now.    

A real frustration for me is when I want to write when I feel there is so much to say, but I just can't do it. That is what the last week and a bit have been like, highs and lows, frustrated, annoyed, lonely, confused with small issues that turn into big issues, upsetting the family and the voice(s) in my head have had a field day.

The voice(s) use to be quite disturbing especially towards the end of last year. That was when I was seeing the same image of a male person whom I likened to  a photo of my paternal grandfather. The image hasn't been a round for all of this year so I will assume I have seen the last of him. The voice(s) however are a different kettle of fish.

There are times when it seems like there is only one voice, my alter ego perhaps, but definately related and/or close to me. If it is another part of me, a different personality, my subconsious or simply a demon I have developed, what ever it is it is not pleasant. It is the author of my bad life's journal because it is so negative. It delivers all the bad news, it berates me constantly, it reminds me of everything that I have felt guilty about in the past; it smirks when I squirm, it sticks a knife in my soul so I will experience all the emotions of the final minutes of peoples lives like plane crash victims and those hostages in Iraq or the people being blown apart by a terrorists bomb. How often does this happen? Usually every time that type of story is in the news. Too much.

While I have learnt to cope with those stories, it is the multiple voices that are the most difficult to deal with as they are my worst enemy. I have heard it from psychiatrists, psychologists, friends and Karen that I seem to constantly sabotage myself when things get too comfortable. Now I don't know if I can articulate exactly what I mean by this but I will try through an example.

Being a highly emotional person and having a huge hang-up with this need to be accepted by everyone, I have been hurt many times in my life. This goes back as far as I can remember and I have developed a seemingly subconcious defence mechanism, commonly call flight. It has developed to such a stage that I now expect certain things to happen to me and act accordingly even before it happens, if it does at all. I am not game to get too close to people for fear of losing them so I will damage the relationship in some way so "the inevitable" will happen. And it is the voices that basically convince me to do what I believe is necessary.

Karen and I have been married nearly ten years (May 2005) and when we met she was the first person I could honestly say I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That is still the case, without a doubt. But the voices are still there and when there is some tension between us they have a field day. I am always convinced that she will not be able to cope with my PTSD, or my not working and bringing in a reasonable income, that she will end up leaving. This always comes up in our "discussions" and it is a real problem.

Now, what can be done about it? Good question. I have tried arguing and rationalising with the voices but the way my mind works , they can get me confused very quickly. Drugs? Nope. To knock the voices out would require knocking me out and I refuse to take that amount of drugs. Slap me around and tell me to wake up to myself? That would simply feed the voices. Sorry. Please feel free to drop me a line or two if you have any suggestions, being at my wits end I am about ready to try anything.

I believe guilt has a big role in these voices and I have mentioned it a few times to different specialists but I keep getting the stock answer; "It's just something you have to deal with yourself."  How about trust, very similar but few can suggest any strategies as to how one can develop trust after it has been destroyed so often. It probably sounds silly but I don't even trust myself to trust myself! It can be a very vicious circle where I cnanot find the beginning and I cannot find the end.

But, I will keep trying.

Next time I want to talk about loss. It seems to be quite relevant to my frame of mind at the moment.

   

Yesterday (Wednesday 27) turned out to be a bad one too, again for reasons beyond my ability to comprehend. What is really difficult is knowing you are getting down and you have no control over how fast or how deep. So it becomes a vicious circle time and again.

I should have be so happy yesterday as Angela had her school Awards night where she won a Bronze Academic award, and top of her grade in Art, Music and Information Technology. What a great way for her to finish formal schooling. I AM very proud  of her but I couldn't show it. I even became annoyed with her when we got home because she made some derogetry remark about something on TV. The look on her face was enough for me to know it was not right at the time. The problem is simple enough in that I don't like to hear her talking rough or crude even if she is only venting at the time. I reacted the wrong way at the wrong time. And so it goes on. Voicing my opinion becomes, "Dad's in one of his moods again." I feel terrible.

Happiness should have also extended to Robert as he finally got his first hours for his new job at Woolworths at Karalee just down the road from us. Poor guy has been working as a volunteer for nearly two years without pay and now he gets a paying job and I can't get excited for him. To be a little fair to myself, it is not just the kids that are affected, nor just Karen who cops the brunt of it all, it would be anyone around me at the time. It was incredibly hard to go out last night knowing there would be lots of people around and I would have to talk to some of them. Does curling up in a ball mean I am down further than I want to admit?

Today I am just going to write as sitting at the computer is the only place I feel comfortable at the moment. I just want to focus on something pleasant, that has no guilt attached to it and I am not having to socialise with anyone.  Time for some more serious thinking but those damn voices get in the way.

Tuesday, Oct 26.

Regression, depression, anxiety, voices, questioning looks, fear, anger, bewilderment and frustration. . . .all in one day. Yesterday was one of the most difficult for some time and basically it became worse the longer I tried to find the reasons why. They say that if you can identify the trigger(s), with a little self talk and analysis you can develop strategies for reducing the impact of any of these symptoms.  What they  don't tell you is how to identify the first trigger as the rest literally feed off the first until they are all operating independently to throw your mind in to absolute mayhem.

Karen knew yesterday was not going to be good for me as she said I had become progressively flat since Friday or Saturday morning.

The best I could come up with was that it was a culmination of many small things that maybe annoyed me in some way but they built up over a couple of days. Now as part of this all consuming and self perpetuating destructive path that I continually walk down, and I don't know if it is one or more, voices start all my conversations in my head, but they get louder, faster, more aggitated until it is just a cacophany of negative voice yelling at me; " fix it or f... off."  At this point there is no way I can think rationally and I even find it difficult to have a simple conversation as I am just as likely to misinterpret someone or say something that appears to be hurtful. And so the wheel rolls; on and on and on until it stops when I go to sleep. . . then, the dreams. Just as bad usually a so I wake up in the mood of the dream.

I hate these days with a passion as I am my worst enemy and I give myself hell; to say they are emotional roller coasters is an understatement, they are like living nightmares. They say Steven King gets his ideas and inspiration from his dreams and nighmares maybe I should do the same but, (get this), they would be too depressing for me to write. What a laugh.

Even while I am writing this two voices are arguing at the back of my mind as to what I should be telling you as though it would be earth shattering news, or a revelation of Jung proportions, but if it is they haven't told me yet, they want me to work it out.

With a clearer head today I think I have pin pointed where this may have started. On Friday I had to return to my doctor as she had rigged me up with a blood pressure monitor to record my readings for twenty four hours on Thursday. It was a micro unit strapped to my waist with an automatic inflation cuff around my upper arm. It proved to be quite uncomfortable and on several occassions it inflated not once but three time one after the other and I seriously believed that my arm would never be the same again.

Friday I gave the unit back and we had a look at the results only to find that my blood pressure is all over the place, particularly at night. I ranged from 90/55 to 211/110. Now this struck me asomewhat unusual as I have never been diagnosed as have any blood pressure problems. I think subconciously these results frightened me. I am now on MORE medication as meds have now been prescribed for the problem.  If that was the trigger, so be it but I have to now determine how or why that begins this process of the snowball rolling down the hill. Has anyone tried to stop one once it gets going?
I'll just throw something else in here as I just know that it will be important sometime. At the hight of my "condition" (I don't know what else to call it), yesterday, I chose to make myself do something I have been avoiding for months; Karen's tax on line. The avoidance thing relates to not being able to concentrate, make simple decisions, follow simple instructions etc. Yet when I started and ran into some grey areas I processed them with ease and resolved them even after ringing "a public servant" and getting a genuine "public sevant" answer; you know, "the one they just had to give you when it didn't even relate to the question but protected the department and the minister from litigation or criticism."

I actually felt good (normal to some people) doing something intelligent, as in, using my brain for something useful. So my conclusion is; buggered if I know actually, it seems like there is a contradiction of terms here such as; whn you can't use your brain logically, you have to use your brain logically to feel better! If anyone can understand this please write to me as my logical side would be most interested.

Cheers and live well.