Tuesday, Oct 26.
Regression, depression, anxiety, voices, questioning looks, fear, anger, bewilderment and frustration. . . .all in one day. Yesterday was one of the most difficult for some time and basically it became worse the longer I tried to find the reasons why. They say that if you can identify the trigger(s), with a little self talk and analysis you can develop strategies for reducing the impact of any of these symptoms. What they don't tell you is how to identify the first trigger as the rest literally feed off the first until they are all operating independently to throw your mind in to absolute mayhem.
Karen knew yesterday was not going to be good for me as she said I had become progressively flat since Friday or Saturday morning.
The best I could come up with was that it was a culmination of many small things that maybe annoyed me in some way but they built up over a couple of days. Now as part of this all consuming and self perpetuating destructive path that I continually walk down, and I don't know if it is one or more, voices start all my conversations in my head, but they get louder, faster, more aggitated until it is just a cacophany of negative voice yelling at me; " fix it or f... off." At this point there is no way I can think rationally and I even find it difficult to have a simple conversation as I am just as likely to misinterpret someone or say something that appears to be hurtful. And so the wheel rolls; on and on and on until it stops when I go to sleep. . . then, the dreams. Just as bad usually a so I wake up in the mood of the dream.
I hate these days with a passion as I am my worst enemy and I give myself hell; to say they are emotional roller coasters is an understatement, they are like living nightmares. They say Steven King gets his ideas and inspiration from his dreams and nighmares maybe I should do the same but, (get this), they would be too depressing for me to write. What a laugh.
Even while I am writing this two voices are arguing at the back of my mind as to what I should be telling you as though it would be earth shattering news, or a revelation of Jung proportions, but if it is they haven't told me yet, they want me to work it out.
With a clearer head today I think I have pin pointed where this may have started. On Friday I had to return to my doctor as she had rigged me up with a blood pressure monitor to record my readings for twenty four hours on Thursday. It was a micro unit strapped to my waist with an automatic inflation cuff around my upper arm. It proved to be quite uncomfortable and on several occassions it inflated not once but three time one after the other and I seriously believed that my arm would never be the same again.
Friday I gave the unit back and we had a look at the results only to find that my blood pressure is all over the place, particularly at night. I ranged from 90/55 to 211/110. Now this struck me asomewhat unusual as I have never been diagnosed as have any blood pressure problems. I think subconciously these results frightened me. I am now on MORE medication as meds have now been prescribed for the problem. If that was the trigger, so be it but I have to now determine how or why that begins this process of the snowball rolling down the hill. Has anyone tried to stop one once it gets going?
I'll just throw something else in here as I just know that it will be important sometime. At the hight of my "condition" (I don't know what else to call it), yesterday, I chose to make myself do something I have been avoiding for months; Karen's tax on line. The avoidance thing relates to not being able to concentrate, make simple decisions, follow simple instructions etc. Yet when I started and ran into some grey areas I processed them with ease and resolved them even after ringing "a public servant" and getting a genuine "public sevant" answer; you know, "the one they just had to give you when it didn't even relate to the question but protected the department and the minister from litigation or criticism."
I actually felt good (normal to some people) doing something intelligent, as in, using my brain for something useful. So my conclusion is; buggered if I know actually, it seems like there is a contradiction of terms here such as; whn you can't use your brain logically, you have to use your brain logically to feel better! If anyone can understand this please write to me as my logical side would be most interested.
Cheers and live well.
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