A real frustration for me is when I want to write when I feel there is so much to say, but I just can't do it. That is what the last week and a bit have been like, highs and lows, frustrated, annoyed, lonely, confused with small issues that turn into big issues, upsetting the family and the voice(s) in my head have had a field day.

The voice(s) use to be quite disturbing especially towards the end of last year. That was when I was seeing the same image of a male person whom I likened to  a photo of my paternal grandfather. The image hasn't been a round for all of this year so I will assume I have seen the last of him. The voice(s) however are a different kettle of fish.

There are times when it seems like there is only one voice, my alter ego perhaps, but definately related and/or close to me. If it is another part of me, a different personality, my subconsious or simply a demon I have developed, what ever it is it is not pleasant. It is the author of my bad life's journal because it is so negative. It delivers all the bad news, it berates me constantly, it reminds me of everything that I have felt guilty about in the past; it smirks when I squirm, it sticks a knife in my soul so I will experience all the emotions of the final minutes of peoples lives like plane crash victims and those hostages in Iraq or the people being blown apart by a terrorists bomb. How often does this happen? Usually every time that type of story is in the news. Too much.

While I have learnt to cope with those stories, it is the multiple voices that are the most difficult to deal with as they are my worst enemy. I have heard it from psychiatrists, psychologists, friends and Karen that I seem to constantly sabotage myself when things get too comfortable. Now I don't know if I can articulate exactly what I mean by this but I will try through an example.

Being a highly emotional person and having a huge hang-up with this need to be accepted by everyone, I have been hurt many times in my life. This goes back as far as I can remember and I have developed a seemingly subconcious defence mechanism, commonly call flight. It has developed to such a stage that I now expect certain things to happen to me and act accordingly even before it happens, if it does at all. I am not game to get too close to people for fear of losing them so I will damage the relationship in some way so "the inevitable" will happen. And it is the voices that basically convince me to do what I believe is necessary.

Karen and I have been married nearly ten years (May 2005) and when we met she was the first person I could honestly say I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That is still the case, without a doubt. But the voices are still there and when there is some tension between us they have a field day. I am always convinced that she will not be able to cope with my PTSD, or my not working and bringing in a reasonable income, that she will end up leaving. This always comes up in our "discussions" and it is a real problem.

Now, what can be done about it? Good question. I have tried arguing and rationalising with the voices but the way my mind works , they can get me confused very quickly. Drugs? Nope. To knock the voices out would require knocking me out and I refuse to take that amount of drugs. Slap me around and tell me to wake up to myself? That would simply feed the voices. Sorry. Please feel free to drop me a line or two if you have any suggestions, being at my wits end I am about ready to try anything.

I believe guilt has a big role in these voices and I have mentioned it a few times to different specialists but I keep getting the stock answer; "It's just something you have to deal with yourself."  How about trust, very similar but few can suggest any strategies as to how one can develop trust after it has been destroyed so often. It probably sounds silly but I don't even trust myself to trust myself! It can be a very vicious circle where I cnanot find the beginning and I cannot find the end.

But, I will keep trying.

Next time I want to talk about loss. It seems to be quite relevant to my frame of mind at the moment.

   

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