Again it has been a while since I wrote something here and I did say I would talk about loss this time however, that will have to wait.

Yesterday, (9Dec) iattended my last session at the PTSD Centre at Toowong Hospital. This was the final follow-up for a Combat PTSD program 7 of us started in January. I want to try and write down some of the things I was trying to say at yesterday's session, as  I am not sure the true meaning got across to the facilitators.

The session entailed revisiting our six month follow-up where we all looked at the gains we have made, problems we have encountered, on-going concerns and our goals for the immediate future. Fairly typical and text book self analysis, problem recognition and goal setting. Three out of the six yesterday have achieved, or made significant gains towards the goals  we set ourselves three months ago.

A1 has lost 23 Kgs in weight, has basically given up alcohol and is exercising on a very regular basis but is concerned that he is now hyper active particulalry in the exercise area. G has also lost some weight but is now training and teaching Tae Kwon Do up to five days a week and this has boosted his confidence considerably. He is only 33 and has plenty of life in him yet. Me, being the third, identified my gains as this web site, the course I am about to start in Freelance Photojournalism and my optimism about this part of my future. I also included how good my marriage is too despite the major ups and downs over the past few years.

It's all good stuff and it's also sad that the other three are basically still were they were some months ago with one noticably worse. L1 suffered a break in on his property a couple of months ago and although it was not confrontational or violent, it was a sufficient violation of his space and property and has bought back his anger and hyper vigilance and mistrust etc. He basically has to start again.

While there are some good results here, I was anxious to explain that little has changed with me as many of my exisiting problems remain. What has changed is my inherent desire to do something useful for myself. And yes, it has started but, I am as frightened as all hell! I am concerned that my new lease on  motivation comes from selfishness, or greed, or self gratification. Yes I have set some goals but my fear of failure is still there. The mere fact that I have taken a couple of steps in the right direction doesn't mean my self confidence or self esteem is back at a normal level. These have yet to be tested so there is no way the staff at TPH can say the course has been succesful were I am concerned. I would hasten to add that I also think the same for A1 & G.

What I have done is pushed myself to the limit in the past three years trying to find out what I wanted to do. I remember saying in a tutorial when I started my degree way back in 1982, that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. In article I read some days ago, written by a 65 y.o author, she said the same thing, she started to write only five years ago because she didn't know what she wanted to be when she grew up.

The course didn't do this for me, I did this for me. Before the course, during the course and after the course, I maintained the belief that the only person who could help me is ME. Is it any wonder that I have trouble with my mind most days? Do you now understand where the ghosts and voices have come from over the years? What I have come to understand is that I and I alone, am the one that does battle with me. I don't get angry with the kids, I don't give the finger to some idot drivers on the road; I don't hate authority and bureacracy; I don't hate my ex wives or my other kids who have walked away from me; I don't get angry with family members who where not there when I needed them; but I do behave that way constantly.

What I hate most of all is the doctrines of others, the less than effective school teachers, the power hungry instructors, supervisors and managers for the different careers I have attempted, the society norms developed out of vocal minorities, a government that sincerely believes a 51percent to 49 percent result in a preferential voting system is a "clear mandate", and the obvious and continuing argument about the equality and/or superiority or one sex or the other.

What gets me anxious, depressed and angry every time though, is my reaction to all these situations. Many times during and after arguements I know I am more angry with myself and at times, very disappointed at how I reacted. My low self esteem and confidence in my own abilities comes from the way I react and have reacted over the years. This is the area I need to work on, not the perceptions of others because they will never know me for who I really am. How could they, I am only just starting to learn.

Happy days ahead . . . . . . . .???

 

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